lost in the woods

My holiday's going to be over soon. It's depressing that I will be going back to the cycle of work and sustaining my vital functions. I don't like the feeling of being restricted in a cage when the world itself is enormous. I want to be free.

Stream of consciousness

There are Feelings, which I can never put words together properly to describe. Leading to uneasiness and being trapped without an outlet. I tried, but no words came out. What appeared between the typing and my lips were mere meaningless jumble of symbols, convoluted and contradicting thoughts. What seemed like a torrent of emotions and ideas came out as a few lines of underdramatic whimper. I fear all my attempts at capturing my life's essence will be futile, of course, I always knew that would be the case, language was never my thing, but I still loved it in my own clumsy way.

I wish I have a better memory to keep things in my mind. Not just the knowledge of the occurrence of the events, but also keep those feelings without them fading away. Fading away is like dying to me. Feeling is living right?

ClearThought

Recently I have got back into the habit of reading, ever since I accquired some books off trademe. In the course of reading those fine novels and non-fictions, I came to the realisation that I have been neglecting to polish my writing skill for too long. Oh yeah, of course, certain person, going by the moniker similar to a female periodical condition might have also triggered the panic with her impressive outburst of online babbling, but let's not go into that before we lose our/my focus.

I have this terrible habit of jumping around subjects, flying from one topic to another, in a conversation, or in writing. This is especially prominent when I'm tired and had one cup coffee too much. I am trying to figure a way out of this manic state, or at least control it.

here, another 20 minutes gone.

Don't listen to me whine

I sense a pattern from these recent insomnia, and they are getting disturbingly more frequent.

=== Beginning of System Memory Dump 256KB ===

Tvir zr fbzrbar jvgu nofbyhgr fuvggl obevat yvsr fb V pna srry orggre nobhg zlfrys, fbzrbar jvgubhg ubcr naq qribvq bs wbl va yvsr. Ohg gura ybbxvat ng zl bja yvsr, vg'f abg nyy gung onq, va snpg vg'f orra cerggl riragshy, creuncf abg gur orfg, ohg jbegul bs n srj tevaf. Gura ubj pbzr V pna'g frrz gb erzrzore, eryngr gb gubfr guvatf? V fhfcrpg vg'f orpnhfr V srry V'ir orra rzbgvbanyyl vfbyngrq. V jnag fbzrbar gb funer gurfr wbl naq fbeebj, V jnag gb or rzbgvbanyyl vagvzngr. Gur snpg vf, zbfg thlf qba'g unir "pybfr fhccbeg sevraqf" yvxr tveyf qb.

Ohg V unir gb or fgebat, orpnhfr V cebzvfrq V jvyy ybir zlfrys orsber nalbar ybir zr.

Please remember all these stuff is especially corny for a slightly conservative Asian guy.
I hope this herbal sleeping pill has finally taken effect.
Good night.

=== End of System Memory Dump ===

Lost and found

Listening to: Don Mclean - Vincent

I'm feeling sad, perhaps it's because I'm tired; but I don't need a reason for the emotion.
I need everything and nothing, perhaps nothing will fill the void.

Even though this should be a negative feeling,
I'm savoring it like a cup of black coffee.

Don't know what to do...

satisfaction of nothing

I'm still surprised at how well I've done the exam my mind is still a bit hazy, and that sense of imminent doom still lingers. Maybe it's just me being tired.

Please, just give me one day to have an exucse not to think about anything, then hopefully, I can perform again.

at least I got to dance around the fire topless

It should be desperation and depression,
after the joy and laughter and people celebration all around us,
Hey, it's almost like déjà vu. Luckily my mind didn't go that way.

It must be this vanilla scented cigar

anymore time wasted on this blog, I'd be fucked, so off to study I go~

I'm sitting here

tired, the house is a mess, can't remember what I'm suppose to do
life is an endless surrender.

Milkshake

I got this blog not knowing what to do with it, because MSN Space seemed enough for my rambling need. It can not be a "truth blog" because I'm already as honest as I can be in the previous. It can not be for making new friends with my thoughts, because I doubt I will ever construct anything intelligent or interesting to capture anyone's interest except mine.

So, what should I do?

My last few posts gave me an idea. This blog shall be the opposite of my msn space, an emotion diary - brief and trivial, an imprint of what I felt, without much thought over it to organise or rationalise how I feel.

Today I felt lost and out of control, but a good thing happened when it was 3 days of shitiness.
I didn't ruin everything.

Feels just like failing a driving exam

Was listening to : Some Magic Number songs.

I'm afraid that the main body will (almost) be shorter than the title.

and thankfully the world is not still

Me:
anyway since you said im never striaght forward, i will be frank
Ajay:
haha, i was so right
Me:
i think im not "unhappy" with my life, but im just getting bored of staying in one place. even though the thought of going somewhere brand new freaks me out
i long for a change
Ajay:
well i gues you have to take baby steps
Me:
yeh, going to aux :)
Ajay:
cambridge tomorrow, auckland the next, then off to spain or somewhere
Me:
and only when i know im probably going away in about 1 month time, i start to realise whats around me
Ajay:
you should savour it then!
Me:
and then i can live through my day without being indifferent
:)
Ajay:
because in a months time it will be just a memory
Me:
god this motivational speek is making me seek

me(n)tal fatigue

After a long tedious weekend of endless group meeting, we have finally handed in the business plan and the get-up-at-7am presentation, and thus ended the management fiasco. Although, this is not the end of all suffering, as next week will be full of tests and assignments and a driving exam.

I seem to bitch and moan rather more on blog than in real life, I suppose it's a good way to vent. Although, it just fills my heart with joy when I see other people suffer, so why should I make them feel better?

Happy thoughts