zig zag zree

I feel exhausted after the eventful weekend. Tired, but also strangely motivated. Perhaps with the physical fatigue I'm suffering, gone is the mental stress.

Random quote of the weekend:

Kat: So why do you think gays are less appealing in public perception than lesbians?
Brand: It's simple, just think about the Christians and the lions in Roman time. People want to see lions eating Christian, even more so when Christians cannibalise fellow Christians!
Brand: What's the fun of watching lions eating lions?
Kat: Disturbing as that sounds, you are actually making a lot of sense!

lost in the woods

My holiday's going to be over soon. It's depressing that I will be going back to the cycle of work and sustaining my vital functions. I don't like the feeling of being restricted in a cage when the world itself is enormous. I want to be free.

Stream of consciousness

There are Feelings, which I can never put words together properly to describe. Leading to uneasiness and being trapped without an outlet. I tried, but no words came out. What appeared between the typing and my lips were mere meaningless jumble of symbols, convoluted and contradicting thoughts. What seemed like a torrent of emotions and ideas came out as a few lines of underdramatic whimper. I fear all my attempts at capturing my life's essence will be futile, of course, I always knew that would be the case, language was never my thing, but I still loved it in my own clumsy way.

I wish I have a better memory to keep things in my mind. Not just the knowledge of the occurrence of the events, but also keep those feelings without them fading away. Fading away is like dying to me. Feeling is living right?

1:15am

For these two years, I did not gain anything extraordinary, but I've learnt to deal with myself as a normal, flawed person.

ClearThought

Recently I have got back into the habit of reading, ever since I accquired some books off trademe. In the course of reading those fine novels and non-fictions, I came to the realisation that I have been neglecting to polish my writing skill for too long. Oh yeah, of course, certain person, going by the moniker similar to a female periodical condition might have also triggered the panic with her impressive outburst of online babbling, but let's not go into that before we lose our/my focus.

I have this terrible habit of jumping around subjects, flying from one topic to another, in a conversation, or in writing. This is especially prominent when I'm tired and had one cup coffee too much. I am trying to figure a way out of this manic state, or at least control it.

here, another 20 minutes gone.

Working...

But I just want to sit here
and
         pop

   my        bubble
        wraps

*pop*

Don't listen to me whine

I sense a pattern from these recent insomnia, and they are getting disturbingly more frequent.

=== Beginning of System Memory Dump 256KB ===

Tvir zr fbzrbar jvgu nofbyhgr fuvggl obevat yvsr fb V pna srry orggre nobhg zlfrys, fbzrbar jvgubhg ubcr naq qribvq bs wbl va yvsr. Ohg gura ybbxvat ng zl bja yvsr, vg'f abg nyy gung onq, va snpg vg'f orra cerggl riragshy, creuncf abg gur orfg, ohg jbegul bs n srj tevaf. Gura ubj pbzr V pna'g frrz gb erzrzore, eryngr gb gubfr guvatf? V fhfcrpg vg'f orpnhfr V srry V'ir orra rzbgvbanyyl vfbyngrq. V jnag fbzrbar gb funer gurfr wbl naq fbeebj, V jnag gb or rzbgvbanyyl vagvzngr. Gur snpg vf, zbfg thlf qba'g unir "pybfr fhccbeg sevraqf" yvxr tveyf qb.

Ohg V unir gb or fgebat, orpnhfr V cebzvfrq V jvyy ybir zlfrys orsber nalbar ybir zr.

Please remember all these stuff is especially corny for a slightly conservative Asian guy.
I hope this herbal sleeping pill has finally taken effect.
Good night.

=== End of System Memory Dump ===

blurghhhhh

I promise I will kill that "artistic" neuron

I see optimism through my pessimistic sight.
In the darkness every glimmer of light
flickers.
First with hope,
then serenity.

This long night gave me
tired,
somber eyes,
I find refuge here in what became part of me,
but forever I use them to seek the
glaring corona of light.

Thankfully no one read this thing, ever.

Lost and found

Listening to: Don Mclean - Vincent

I'm feeling sad, perhaps it's because I'm tired; but I don't need a reason for the emotion.
I need everything and nothing, perhaps nothing will fill the void.

Even though this should be a negative feeling,
I'm savoring it like a cup of black coffee.

Don't know what to do...

Was listening to: For Reason's Unknown - The Killers

A secret:
I feel guilty for being comfortable listening to "pop" indie bands instead of going out to discover the secret band that would reveal the meaning of life to me.

Perhaps I'm getting old, once struggled to adapt and now comfortable with the same environment, and new things become too much of an effort to embrace and understand. A quote I believe was from the H2G2, I can't remenber the exact phrasing but it goes something like this:

when we grow up, we perceive things around us as the norm as we try to fit into it, and then as we get older, we tend to reject those "new things" as they deviate from our norm, which we tend to react with hostility and rejection.

I will download a strange unknown album tonight, and go to the restaurant I was meaning to go to for ages.

must kill this "think of a blog title" habit.

Was listening to - Kruger & Dorfmeister - Definition

I woke up with a unexplained cut on my left arm. Not deep, but enough to trigger a slight inflammation and itch like a cat's scratch.

That has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

I suppose you will get less hurt to by drowning yourself in anger and hedonism.

I don't think I'm judging, because I'm no better. I was once upon a time, but I've learnt to be more impartial.

I believe everyone has a trait, a way they interpret evens happening around them, I think it is called cognition. I for example tend to go towards the pessimistic side and occationally optimistic, a way to protect myself against unexpected disappointment/psychological stress, It's something both innate and learnt, like a mask we created for ourself fused upon us to be part of our identity, it's our harden side.

I wish I can face the adversaries in life bravely, instead of having to resort to these measures. Because in the end, by shutting ourselves off, we no longer feel, and with apathy, no human deprived of the most basic need can survive.

I'm glad I got my rant out in a blog that no one reads :D

The Light Before We Land

Just learnt recently from a booklet @ student health service that:
BOREDOM CAN CAUSE STRESS?!

wow, no wonder I feel so run down for doing nothing.

Work is eating away my life almost as bad as WoW... :(

In cases such as these I'd like a hand
Don't wake me up without a master plan
With sight and sound becoming fragile
Don't you understand?
When things that once were beautiful
Are bland

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us

In truth there is no better place to be
Than falling out of darkness still to see

Without a premonition
Could you tell me where we stand?
I'd hate to lose this light
Before we land

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us

Before we let euphoria
Convince us we are free
Remind us how we used to feel
Before when life was real

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us

Desiderata

Radio was playing - Emma Bunton - What took you so long?

I'm suspecting that mountain down south is melting away rapidly, because today's weather reminds me of the winter. Yes winter, which I can't seem to remenber much of. I blame not on the bad memories but simply due to lack of living in general.

Anyway, the song brought back feelings of years ago, also conversation tonight with family friends helped as well. I haven't seen them for a few months now, it's good to see them.

Perhaps I've been living by myself for too long, but it brings me to the thought that: why do I get comfort out of something so fragile that is human relationship, although it is capable of achieving greatness but at the same time can fall apart for no good reason?

Meh, I'm not making much sense so I will just go through some events that I consider relevant, so at least when I come back, I will have some idea what I was ranting about:

Michelle's coworker/friend snapped at her for no good reason other than general frustration.
An online friend's experience with someone he trusted greatly.
My own experience with someone known online.

Just a few thoughts here left for me to think about.

I supose in the end, we will need the courage to keep going and still be open to others no matter what.

Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage the things I can and wisdom to guide my way.

satisfaction of nothing

I'm still surprised at how well I've done the exam my mind is still a bit hazy, and that sense of imminent doom still lingers. Maybe it's just me being tired.

Please, just give me one day to have an exucse not to think about anything, then hopefully, I can perform again.

at least I got to dance around the fire topless

It should be desperation and depression,
after the joy and laughter and people celebration all around us,
Hey, it's almost like déjà vu. Luckily my mind didn't go that way.

It must be this vanilla scented cigar

anymore time wasted on this blog, I'd be fucked, so off to study I go~

I'm sitting here

tired, the house is a mess, can't remember what I'm suppose to do
life is an endless surrender.

Milkshake

I got this blog not knowing what to do with it, because MSN Space seemed enough for my rambling need. It can not be a "truth blog" because I'm already as honest as I can be in the previous. It can not be for making new friends with my thoughts, because I doubt I will ever construct anything intelligent or interesting to capture anyone's interest except mine.

So, what should I do?

My last few posts gave me an idea. This blog shall be the opposite of my msn space, an emotion diary - brief and trivial, an imprint of what I felt, without much thought over it to organise or rationalise how I feel.

Today I felt lost and out of control, but a good thing happened when it was 3 days of shitiness.
I didn't ruin everything.

Feels just like failing a driving exam

Was listening to : Some Magic Number songs.

I'm afraid that the main body will (almost) be shorter than the title.

captin's log 90516-0-3-4/alpha_q.jpg

It's a hectic week, don't know what to do yet.

PS: Management is a bitch.

and thankfully the world is not still

Me:
anyway since you said im never striaght forward, i will be frank
Ajay:
haha, i was so right
Me:
i think im not "unhappy" with my life, but im just getting bored of staying in one place. even though the thought of going somewhere brand new freaks me out
i long for a change
Ajay:
well i gues you have to take baby steps
Me:
yeh, going to aux :)
Ajay:
cambridge tomorrow, auckland the next, then off to spain or somewhere
Me:
and only when i know im probably going away in about 1 month time, i start to realise whats around me
Ajay:
you should savour it then!
Me:
and then i can live through my day without being indifferent
:)
Ajay:
because in a months time it will be just a memory
Me:
god this motivational speek is making me seek